TV Chef

I'd like to be a TV chef, I'm sure that is my style,
'cause I can cook things half way through and arrange them in a pile
I’d cook my sea bass fillet, potatoes roast in strips,
Then laugh out loud when someone says "you can’t beat fish and chips"

I’d like to be a TV chef, I’d know just what to do,
Use "extra-virgin" olive oil, call all my gravies "jus"!
I’d know that presentation is the key to my success,
So I’d drizzle sauces round the plate to make a pretty mess.

I’d like to be a TV chef, and specialise in fish,
And be renowned around the world for my sig-na-ture dish.
It might be lobster flambée, or maybe skate and pollack,
But then again it might just be, a right old load of scallops!

I’d talk about ingredients, enthusing like as not,
"these oysters, they have sexy powers" (although they look like snot!)
I’d talk about the butcher’s cuts, it wouldn’t be a farce,
I’d tell you shoulder’s from the front and rump steak’s from the … back.

Now I could cook some plump duck beast, avoiding Salmonella,
Now thinking of those plump young breasts, reminds me of Nigella!
She flirts around the kitchen, while rustling up her food,
And I don’t think it’s her recipes that get me in the mood!

I’d like to be a TV chef, and whip up mass hysteria,
By banging on about hygiene, E.coli and Listeria.
And I could be like Heston, bring science into cooking,
And freeze my mousse with CO2 when I think that no-one’s looking.

I’d like to be a TV chef, use subtle blends of flavours,
I’d cook them up on special shows for nurses, vets and sailors.
And I could be like Gordon, cook turkey, goose and duck,
but to be authentic, I’d have to swear like … worst luck.

Or I could be like Aynsley, be just a tad unbalanced,
Or Hughie Fearnley-Whittingstall – sartorially challenged.
Perhaps I’d be like Rick Stein, cook haddock, brill and dace,
Or maybe more like Jamie, with a lisp and cheeky face.

{adopt pseudo-French accent for first line}
Now I could hone my accent, to sound like Raymond Blanc,
Or leap around like Graham Kerr, with a handy glass of plonk!
Or I could be like Gary Rhodes, my chef’s clothes whitely washed,
Or pr’haps be more like Keith Floyd and be permanently sloshed.

I’d like to be a TV chef, cook tartlets, puds and pies,
I’d pray to saintly Delia, to ensure my souflées rise!
I’d do the TV adverts, with a smile and a dance,
Say "Come and shop at Asbos" – but do I shop there … not a chance!

I’d have a string of restaurants, celebs will come to dine,
But you lot don’t look smart enough – so don’t you bother trying!
I’d use the best ingredients, like sea-urchin and squid,
The cheapest of my starters there will cost you thirty quid!

I’d like to be a TV chef, and plug my latest book,
And yet I know t’will never be, you see friends … I can’t cook!
And I know … that you know … exactly what that means,
Yes, all I’ve got for tea tonight is a piece of toast with beans!

The tune is a cross between Pachelbel's canon in D and Streets of London, using the following chords:

D - A7 - Bmin - F#min
G - D - Emin - A7
D - A7 - Bmin - F#min
G - D - Emin - A7 - D