2023 Tour Ode - It'll Be All Wight on the Night

Now Lilleshall are here on tour, first time in fifteen years
but we've not lost our fighting touch, no oppos do we fear.

We set off bright and early, for some it was a shock
I never knew there was a time before eleven o'clock!

We have a tour tradition, which may come a surprise,
for while you've all been bowling, I have had out my spies.
So all your misdemeanours, your flaws, and maybe worse
Will all now be recounted, in awful doggerel verse.

You lot have been quite boring, with little unbecoming,
It's almost like you had a clue, what might be just upcoming.
But if there's no infractions, no dirt have I been fed.
Don't worry, just like Fleet Street, I'll make it up instead!

Now Bill, he did the planning. He didn't miss a trick.
It all turned out quite splendidly - thank you Bill, you are a brick (that's BRICK!)

Now leaving from the ferry, there was a bit of fuss,
for David wasn't to be found upon the tour bus.
Eventually he arrived, just in the nick of time,
but Kath & Sheila soon conspired to levy a small fine.

Our fist game was at Sandown, we had a lovely time,
and best of all we all played well, and won by thirty-nine.

Now Kath and Colin, Mike and Sheila were clearly really trying.
By halfway through their total score was really upwards flying.
But David, Les and Sean and Mark put in a final spurt,
they won top rink with last end six, and Sheila said "That hurt"!

Now Cynthia, Alan, Rod and Andy had no sort of luck,
They came out bottom of the pile and held the first day ducks.

Now Chris, he had a birthday. We thought we'd all get plastered.
He could have bought a round of drinks, the rotton little ... devil.

And Grace & Colin Meadows have been married for quite a while
I don't know what she sees in him ... maybe it's his smile.
It is the anniversary of true love that they found,
So Colin, get your key card out ... it's time to buy a round.

On day two driver Mick got lost and Bill was really stressy.
The local knowledge didn't help - we nearly went to Plessey.
Cowes Medina was the club and they were really smashing.
So it was really quite unkind that we gave them quite a thrashing.

We took part in a spider, for a tasty tot of rum,
as Sean, he fired the jack away, I ask you - what a ... fine shot!
And some prat did the same today (day four), which makes it even worse,
regardless what a shot it was, he will not get a verse.

So Malcolm, Mitzi, Pete & Chris were top rink by some measure,
while Clive, Teresa, Ern and Sylv were left to sulk at leisure.
For they just lost, by just one shot, they really were unlucky.
So they were left to mince about and shout out "Hello Duckie"

The next verse may, or may not, refer to the webmaster/bard!

There is a rumour going round, spread by malicious liars,
that "someone" on the Captain's rink put up a bowl wrong bias.
I've tried to keep it under wraps, but now has come the time,
so yes! 'Twas me! I do confess ... and I have paid my fine.

The lift here's causing some concern, it seems it stops and starts
So everyone just holds their breath and hopes that no-one ... faints.

Now Andrew's run our daily book, which really got us thinking,
to weighing up the permutations ... who would be top-rinking.
We did our calculations but - it's all a load of guff,
'cause on the day most any rink can be completely stuffed.

On Tuesday we wen't westward, to play at Totland Bay.
We hoped to keep our standards up and at our finest play.
We all did well and tried our best, with good bowls sent a-plenty.
And sure enough we won the game, by more than shots plus-twenty.

Now Birthday Boy he had top rink, with Deb and Silv and Mike.
They really piled in the shots with nothing not to like.
'Suppose 'twas always going to be, that he would have a zinger.
Especially as he'd brought Deb in as a crafty little ringer!

Now Sheila made a faux pas, which really caused a stink.
She tried to foist the rubber ducks on an undeserving rink.
The losing rink, I'm sad to say, they really had no luck,
So Cliff and Pat and Liz and me, were left to mutter "Duck!"

Now Maggie and our Sylvia are ladies full of laughs,
and they were telling me why they hate showers over baths.
I asked them why they hate them so - why life's not full of clover,
It's down to flexibility ... they can't get their legs over!

My wife's not with me this time, I've come here on my own,
but I still get instructions, by text calls to my phone.
She says I must behave myself, and not act like a clown,
but I know when I've had enough ... 'cause that's when I fall down.

Some rinks were bet quite heavily and others lessly so,
the clever money made the choice on where the funds should go.
We all knew where to put our cash - we're not daft you see,
the total bet on William's rink - a magnificent 50p!

On Wednesday we went back to Cowes, to play against club Plessey
They played up well and won by eight, it really did end messy.
Cynthia, Mitzi, Ern & Andy as top rink were not slackers,
and David, Lyn and Cliff and Sheila were left to hold the quackers.

We held our entertainment in the hotel's games room - hence this next verse.

Sadly there's no bar up here, and the air is really dry.
It's tough to keep the singing up, however hard we try.
So if you feel so inclined, our raging thirsts to douse.
Bill is on the brandy, and I'm on Famous Grouse.

Tomorrow Newport's our last game, let's hope we do not fail.
And then aboard the ferry and for Blighty we set sail.
We played in every weather, both in the sun and rain,
goodbye to all our visitors, we will see you again.

We've played our bowls both short and wide, our skips have huffed and puffed.
But their bowls were no better - so they can all get stuffed!
We had a really smashing time, and played with all our might.
It's really been fantastic here, so 'Thank you', Isle of Wight.

Tour Postscript

On final day we headed off to play at Newport Town
We were on form and won the game, you couldn't keep us down.
Teresa, Chris and Quentin, as top trip(le) proved quite handy,
but left to hold the little ducks were Rob and Ruth and Andy.

So now our ode, it is complete, the tales have been told.
We hope you have enjoyed it, if we may make so bold.
So will there be another tour's the question being asked.
Well, maybe so, if we can find someone to take the task!


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